Siberia

Siberia is not just a region in Russia. In Almonese, the language of the Almoneys, it refers to the act of being excommunicated. Here is it's use in a sentence: "I am in Siberia." Which I currently am.

It's funny (as in funny/sad) and predictable, how family dynamics are formed and replayed throughout generations. When I look back to my childhood, I vaguely remember my parents arguing or fighting. I certainly can't recall a time when my Mom & Dad weren't speaking to each other. But I look at the way I behave when I'm fighting with someone, and in reflection, can't figure out who I got it from.

When I'm mad, or frustrated, I usually try to bite my tongue. This doesn't, however, disguise my non-verbal skills. Ask anyone close to me, they'll tell ya straight up. You can see my emotions all over my face. It takes a lot for me to unload, and when I do, OY. Not a good time to be on the receiving end. To my constant embarrassment, I am a screamer and a crier. Rather than lash out, I usually beat myself up. While in this mode, my brain ceases to fire correctly and I find myself making no sense and saying crazy things, which only compounds the issue at hand. The up side of this is that I let it out, and then I'm over it. I'm not a grudge holder.

My husband is a grudge holder, as is his mother. Thus, the banishing to Siberia is usually bestowed by one or the other. Chip has been in Siberia for months at a time. I don't get it. It seems to take so much energy to hang on to ill-will. Maybe I'm just too lazy for it?

I have always struggled with this form of, well, whatever it is. I was tempted to call it passive-aggressiveness, but I'm not sure if that's the right term. If a person complains that they "have to do everything themselves" why not accept help when it's offered, rather than saying, "Nope. I can do it by myself." Isn't that the point??

If I am in a normal, balanced state of mind (which seems to be rare) I can clearly see that, #1. This is YOUR issue, not mine. Deal with yourself. #2. I should not engage in the silliness of the debate or confrontation.

Get me in a sensitive, crabby mood and you get all of the worst responses: "Oh, you don't need help? Great! Do your own laundry. Do you own grocery shopping. Cook your own meals. You are on your own!" Of course, I suffer this way, and it makes everything worse.

I also tend to be a runner. I'd rather walk away than say something that I know I'll regret... or more importantly, hear something that I won't be able to forget. Usually, the running is followed by the act of trying to fix things with a talk. NO NO NO, no talk. I can hear my own voice in my head, "Stop talking. Stop talking. Seriously, shut it."

I think I try really hard to do the right things, but I am not perfect. I fail. Sometimes I fail gloriously. I know that this will eventually pass, I just wish I had the secret potion to hurry it along.

Anyone have that recipe?