Today I had my annual mammogram. All I can say is this, "YEEOUCH!" By now I would have thought that I had experienced every angle that machine can achieve to get the "best shot." Alas, I had some sideways-crazy-deals today. Maybe the technicians get bored and have contests to see who can get their patients in the most contorted positions?? Here's a little funny for ya... enjoy! I'm off to put some frozen peas on my boobs.
The Mammogram, By Julia Napier©
For years and years they told me, "Be careful of your breasts.
Don't ever squeeze or bruise them. And give them monthly tests."
So I heeded all their warnings, and protected them by law.
Guarded them very carefully, and I always wore my bra.
After 30 years of astute care, My gyno, Dr. Pruitt, said I should get a Mammogram."O.K." I said, 'let's do it."
"Stand up here real close" she said, (she got my boob in line),
"And tell me when it hurts," she said, "Ah yes! Right there, that's fine."
She stepped upon a pedal, I could not believe my eyes!
A plastic plate came slamming down, my hooter's in a vise!
My skin was stretched and mangled, from underneath my chin.
My poor boob was being squashed, to Swedish Pancake thin.
Excruciating pain I felt, within it's vise-like grip.
A prisoner in this vicious thing, my poor defenseless tit!
"Take a deep breath" she said to me, who does she think she's kidding?!?
My chest is mashed in her machine, and woozy I am getting.
"There, that's good," I heard her say, (the room was slowly swaying.)
"Now, let's have a go at the other one." Have mercy, I was praying.
It squeezed me from both up and down, it squeezed me from both sides. I'll bet SHE'S never had this done, to HER tender little hide.
Next time that they make me do this, I will request a blindfold.
I have no wish to see again, my knockers getting steam rolled.
If I had no problem when I came in, I surely have one now.
If there had been a cyst in there, it would have gone "ker-pow!"
This machine was created by a man, Of this, I have no doubt.
I'd like to stick his balls in there, And see how THEY come out!
PS- If you haven't made your appointment yet, do it now. I'll wait.
1 comment:
Late this summer I did the mammogram-- then received a call to do a "follow-up" which was a couple more squeezy shots from a mammogram machine, then a sonogram to follow it up. Then a couple weeks later, the call from the Dr. saying "we see something, we need to do a bioposy". So, the biopsy where they capture some cells and then insert a little "flag" in the area that says "whoa we checked this area last time" during the next mammogram. In my case we did this twice for two suspicious areas. This truly requires ice packs and some prayer (and about a month for the bruises to go away). Anyhow, the end result is all clear. I will take a simple mammogram ANY DAY compared to the rest:)
Post a Comment