This song usually helps me lift my spirits. Weird, huh?
If I had a Valium or a stash of Prozac, I’d would be munching them like M&Ms.
Friday night, a friend of mine from the neighborhood where I grew-up, passed away after a 12 year battle with Cancer. First of all, I need to say this, “Cancer? F-you. I am so sick of you and your curses. You’ve done your business, no go away.” I am too young to have THIS many people my age affected by this disease! I am too young for this, aren’t I??
Nothing makes me feel more selfish than death. I mean really, it’s sad, yes. It makes me think of what I have (or don’t have). I imagine what it would be like to experience the same loss. I have to be honest, I have followed Donna’s fight through my mom and her circle of friends, but I wasn’t close to her. Actually, I haven’t spoken to Donna is more than, oh I don’t know, 20 years? But it struck me none the less. Nora, her mom, had already lost her husband, now she’s lost her daughter. She basically watched her die a slow and tragic death, leaving behind her husband and her young son. I can’t imagine anything more awful.
Actually, Chip has a friend who lost an 8 year old grandchild to Cancer just 2 weeks ago. I mean, how do you get out of bed after that?
Many years ago, I attended a Baptist “Home Going” when a friend lost her very young son. He was sick from the beginning and had only been out of the hospital for a a few weeks during his whole life. A Home Going is a celebration of Life, an uplifting, joyous occasion. After all, could there be a better place in the universe than with God? But his little coffin was soooo small. I couldn’t get passed it. I couldn’t even bare to approach the front of the church to offer my sympathy.
During this celebration one of the pastors said, “He is so happy now, so pain free, so lively, that he wouldn’t come back, even if he could.” That floored me. It was about that time of the service that I broke down and wept in the arms of some black woman that had the misfortune of sitting next to me. She was so kind. She kept telling me to “let it out” and I did, and proceeded to snot all over her pretty dress. In our church we say, “Shh.” Sometimes it’s not good to “shush.”
Anyway, when I learned of Donna’s passing, I was out with Chip, and was already into a few Friday night beverages. That didn’t help. We sat at the bar and I tried to hold it together, but failed miserably. I finally had to ask if we could leave. Then I came home and cried some more. A lot more. It all just seems so wrong and unfair.
Saturday AM I woke-up with puffy eyes and a crusty nose. Gross. I rolled over and turned on the TV only to fall prey to a 9/11 special. Again, I watched in horror as the towers fell. There was no hiding from the devastation – it found me when I was least expecting it.
I looked for reasons to turn my Crappy Day into a Happy Day, and found many, but it still didn’t quiet the ache. Right now I am just riding it out and working to be grateful for all that I have.
Mwah. Love ya,
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