Am I Selfish, or am I a Giver? Can I be Both?

I thought that age was supposed to bring wisdom. I am 42. I’ll be 43 in May. So, basically I am 45, which means I am closer to 50 than I am to 20. One foot in the grave. (I’m sure my mom is searching for the “Comment” button before she reads any further. I bet cha!)

The older I get, the more confused about myself I become. Granted, my current circumstances allow me to forge into areas that my friends won’t see for another 20 or so years, but it’s the introspection that is the hardest part of my journey. (It doesn’t help that I have a few people around me to remind me of my more-frequent-than-I’d-like short-comings this area.)

Aunt Mabel is still not feeling well and had a nice 5 hour in & out at the ER yesterday because the home health care nurse said that her blood oxygen levels were too low, and her resting heart rate was too high, and she still has some heavy congestion in her chest despite the breathing treatments we give her every 4 hours. Oh yeah, and she has no appetite, still, and doesn’t drink enough fluid to hydrate a bird. Although I was working, I stopped my the ER to sit with her & Chip for an hour or so, so Chip didn’t have to do it by himself. I thought that was giving.

Note to my readers: Many of you comment that, as you read my blog, you can hear me. That’s a huge compliment. I am noting that I write really long sentences sometimes. I think it’s  because I hear my stories that way; everything is jammed into place. Well, that’s all I have to say about that.

As is turns out, her lungs are clear, and the symptoms may have been caused by our unusually high pollen count.  I stopped by CVS to get her prescriptions. I made 2 dinners so she’d have something she’d like. Giving, right?

Then, Chip stars with the coughing, and runny nose, and the, “I don’t feel good” and I know the end is near. There’s something about a sick man - ugh. So, I watch Fox News and Judy Judy and don’t complain, because I know he is sick. Giving, right? At some point in the evening, well past the point where I fell asleep during American Idol, Chip asks me to make him some tea. You know where this is headed! Insert Selfish. (Read previous post about sickness here) But Chip is sick, so I choke down the bitterness and boil the water & drop in the teabag. At some point I tuned back into Idol and forgot his tea. When he asked, “Um, are you going to make that tea or not” I made a face. It wasn’t so much that it was a bother (selfish) but because I forgot and was annoyed by the fact that I am so insanely forgetful these days. When he called me out on it, I tried to explain that the frustration was not with HIM, but with myself, he basically called me a liar. Hmm… I saw no good coming from this, so I apologized, again, and headed to the bedroom to avoid a fight. Also sort of selfish, because I didn’t feel like a confrontation.

Now, at this point, I know that I should get up and go down to check on Aunt Mabel and help get her ready for bed. But I was watching a good show, so I decided to wait until it was over. 5 seconds later, I hear Chip stomping down the stairs. I knew that I should get up and run down there and offer to do it, but I knew that my offer would only be met with contempt and martyrdom, so I stayed put. Selfish.

Now I am in Siberia. Again.

This morning, I have been examining my days. My work day is spent meeting people’s needs. Giving. I volunteer. Giving. I’m fundraising for the Relay for Life. Giving. Is the issue that I spend too much time giving outside of my household that I have less to give when I get home? I feel like I have done a lot of compromising with my personal life, and I think that it should be OK for me to ask for a little ME time. Is that really selfish? Does ME time always have to be conflict with meeting someone else’s needs? I admire my husband for all that he does for his family, and know that that workload takes a pretty big toll on him. I should be more willing & able to do what he asks of me.

Where’s the balance and how do we all get on the same page?