Strength

This has been a trying few months. Chip's mom is still in ICU and he's been traveling to Elizabeth City every day to be with her. He's out the door by 8:00 or so, and gets home around 7:00pm. It's a long, emotional day. My sister-in-law, Kim, is here. Chip's niece and nephew were down for a few days, and are now back in Maryland. Emotions are running high and the tears are constantly flowing. Grief is a funny thing - and I mean funny awful, not funny ha-ha.

We have a pocket of people who see that Jewell has had a long battle with pain, discomfort, frustration, disabilities, and sporadic loneliness. We have a camp of people that are optimistic. And one lone soldier that is in denial, and refuses to entertain the idea that this is it. Some want to grieve out loud, some in silence, some not at all. It's hard to figure out what to say, or when to say it. I don't remember being in a situation where I had so long to think about death. Maybe the prolonged illnesses happened when I was little? It sucks.

These situations bring out the best and worst in people. One of Chip's good friends came down a few days ago to visit and help. This AM he went to the store and bought items to make us all dinner tonight. How sweet is that? Our neighbors have been huge help in going to our house and letting the dogs out during the day.

I feel pretty helpless in all this. I just started a new job and feel like I have my hands tied regarding time. I can't go to the hospital everyday. I also can't seem to get to the grocery store, or get the laundry done, or say anything right.

Last night Chip and I had a huge fight because I yelled at the dog. I haven't been sleeping, I have a new job, I have a house full of depression, and when Riley had an accident in the bed (he has arthritis in his back and it's affecting the nerves in his back end) I flipped out. Then Chip got mad that I was mad, and when I tried to explain my frustration and crankiness he basically said, "You think YOU have problems?" I mean, CLEARLY he has had a harder time than I have, but am I not entitled to my feelings, too?

It was just bad, and I spent all night on the couch crying. I excuse away every "off" moment that he has because I know he's in pain. I am far from perfect, and now I feel horrible that I am asking him to do any more work.

Anyway, I am taking one hour at a time and trying not to get worked up over the things that I cannot control. I see difficult things to come and I'm at a loss on how to get things back together.

A work in progress,
colleen